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An Open Letter to Youtube

Dear Youtube,

I want nothing to do with your shitty paid service. Maybe if you weren’t pounding content creators’ asses with your ridiculous and inconsistent “community guidelines”, they wouldn’t need to attract paying customers to their channels, and instead could focus on content. Being the cunts you are, however, you’ve decided to “demonetize” channels that you deem inappropriate for various ridiculous reasons. Now there’s a dearth of available advertisers, forcing famous Youtube content creators to beg for money on Pateron and, ultimately, sign up to create shows for your worthless paid programming.

I get it. You want to be like Netflix, Hulu and Amazon, offering feature-length movies for one low-low price. Unfortunately, you don’t have their budget, so instead, you have to do a “pay per view” model with the movies plus a monthly fee for Youtube Red. This is clearly not going to compete with the big guys, and even worse, the subscription that you pay for with Amazon includes movies and TV shows, plus you can choose to “rent” movies in HD if they’re not part of the admittedly small library.

This is what you’re up against, Youtube. So, you want $10 (shut up with that tired $9.99 garbage gimmick) for “unlimited music”, ad-free videos and uninterrupted playing on a phone, plus all the great content from… Youtube creators. Let me be clear here: I occasionally like to watch Good Mythical Morning for the perplexing idiocy of it all, but it’s not Luke Cage, Daredevil, House of Cards, Orange is the New Black (not that I really watch the latter two), and it certainly isn’t a library of big-name movies being licensed. Also, for the same price, you can be watching two different Netflix streams at the same time on two different devices. For a couple dollars more, you even get to watch it on four, so a whole family can enjoy it all at once.

So, let’s recap so far: You are charging the same amount of money per month for Red as Netflix does. You don’t have a library of movies and shows available with that subscription that aren’t originals. You do allow people to download videos for watching offline, which I can already do with Video DownloadHelper, but hey, I guess this makes it legit? Netflix doesn’t do th- oh wait, yes it does. Netflix features near-TV-quality originals. You have PewDiePie being annoying.  Netflix also offers a DVD/Blu-Ray rental service for many of the show sand movies that aren’t on streaming. You have the Amazon model, which is good for a service that already has a lot of shows and costs $8.33 a month if you go yearly. Oh, and you get streaming music with that too, and a much bigger and higher-quality library. And a bunch of shows and movies. And 2-day shipping. For over a dollar less a month.

I know it’s sounding like I’m shilling for all these other services, since I didn’t include Hulu, but that’s because I hate Hulu. It’s like cable TV that uses up my bandwidth cap while charging me money and still showing me goddamned ads. I know, you can pay $12 a month to get rid of commercials, but that’s still lame compared to Netflix. Don’t be like Hulu, Youtube.

Thing is, Netflix’s library is largely made up of older titles and episodes. You’re not going to get to see the latest episode of Family Guy because Hulu’s network exec owners want their sweet, sweet cash. That’s why they started going for the original shows, and upped the price a bit. It’s still more expensive than an Amazon membership, but at least there are some quality shows on there that people actually want to watch.

I like Veritasium et al, but I really don’t feel like paying ten bucks a month to watch more of their stuff. I’d rather just deal with the ads, but you’ve made it so that they can’t survive off them, so they are basically forced to join in with your scheme.

So, in short, no. I will not be getting on board your “paid Youtube” crap.


Fuck yourselves.

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